Friday, July 28, 2006

A story from the

Just Trust Me on This

Cheese is a beermat that's twenty feet tall and can easily be recycled.

Kraft macaroni
Kraft macaroni is a pair of shoes that plays Sokoban! It takes high-quality digital photos and craves attention.

cream of wheat
cream of wheat is a contraceptive device that plays the American national anthem! It hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

trojan is a TV remote control that can communicate with your golf club! It keeps drinks cold and communicates via Instant Messenger.

steinway is a DVD player that's water-absorbent and changes colour.

Sony is a tricycle that self-replicates! It helps the medicine go down.

Mason and Hamlin
Mason and Hamlin is like a normal contact lens, but it defies gravity.

Johnson and Johnson
Johnson and Johnson is a sheet of paper that's great for hammering in nails! It is solar-powered.

McDonald's is a milk carton that feeds your pets and counts your loose change.

Coca-Cola is a parachute that remembers all of its past actions and doesn't need oiling.
[ed. note: I'll show YOU a parachute that doesn't need oiling!]

McMaster Carr
McMaster Carr is a postage stamp that's heavier than it looks, hums incessantly and is oak-panelled.

Scotch is a lunchbox that sorts your mail! It talks.

Jack Daniels
Jack Daniels is a DVD player! It works at twice the normal speed!

Budweiser is like a normal burglar alarm, but it cuts through stone as if it were butter.

Amstel Light
Amstel Light is a headband that can be used by several people at once! It can speak French and can only be operated by a trained professional.

Anal R. Gapings
Anal R. Gapings is a button-badge that looks like a pot-plant! It gets +2 to kill undead.

Miller is a contraceptive device that has no moving parts!

Ford is a webcam that's covered with realistic fur! It is perfectly safe to use.

Chrysler is a newly-discovered breed of fish that has a leopardskin print! It can play chess and self-replicates.

Toyota is a DVD player that sounds better than it looks, remembers all of its past actions and has velcro pads on the side.

Honda is a car that sorts your mail, communicates with other copies of itself and won't make a hole in your wallet.
[Ed.: Really?]

Ragtime is an aquarium that's not suitable for children, disables itself if it's taken more than 100 feet away from its base and receives data from any nearby robotic dog.

Universal is like a normal trouser press, but it emits a constant high-frequency whine.

Seeburg is a marker pen that displays a slideshow of pictures, plays a mean game of Go and costs less than £20.

Wurlitzer is like a normal pen, but it freezes anything it touches.

I could go on, but you get the idea.


See more pictures on

Thursday, June 15, 2006

The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the US army

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.


Funny cats

Monday, May 29, 2006

Tents and the pitching of

Debating on chucking a sickee, more precisely using some comp time hours this morning. So far it's a pretty slow morning and my friend Mr. Caffeine has not blessed my cardiovascular system yet - although it's moving that way. I have some grunt work to do if I choose, need to move around some surplus computers and get them ready for donation/disposal and also clean up all the detritus in the computer room.

But with a 3 day weekend looming it's always tempting to pull out early.

Made a visit to REI for some tent seam sealer. We're going to go camping in the next couple weeks out at the coast and we haven't sealed the seams on our tent in the 4 years we've had it. And since we haven't actually pitched it in a while *giggle* and the fact that last time we camped on the coast we got soaked, it's time to seal 'em.

I'm amazed at how huge tents continue to grow *giggle again* - most of the tents on display at REI would allow us to put our tent inside, and ours is like 8'X9' and just fits in most campgrounds. I guess it goes hand-in-hand with SUVs and most other things American - bigger and bigger. Another thing that amazes me are the 'retro' ice chests that are metal covered. Before injection molded plastics took over they used to be the standard and pretty reasonable - or you just bought a styrofoam one and hoped it didn't crack and spill your Old Milwaukee all over the back of the Country Squire. But now a steel Coleman will cost over $100! Or just $24 for the same size in plastic. Wonder as oil prices rise if the price of plastic items will rise as well?

Ok, time to make with the work.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Tight Skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With
a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was
unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."